If Only
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: They had all been lucky enough to find a place. Until the place wasn't there anymore. The coming war and fracturing family leave everyone unstable but perhaps no one more than two whose love is forbidden.


"Tell me now where was my fault  
In loving you with my whole heart."  
Mumford and Sons 'Blank White Page' (Marcus Mumford)

* * *

His fist connected solidly with the unsuspecting jaw of the man before him. This was the second time in just a handful of days that Jimmy found himself lashing out in anger at someone he loved.

He thought back to when he and Kid had fought. He could admit now—and to himself only—that Kid had kicked the living tar out of him. Kid had always been the better fighter. But Kid was wrong. He was so wrong. Jimmy really was only helping Rosemary out of a concern for his sister. As long as those men were out there, Nathan—and by extension, Celinda and the baby—weren't safe. And maybe Jimmy had an overdeveloped need to protect women. He would concede that point readily enough. Though if Kid had suggested that, it would have been akin to the pot calling the kettle black. Kid's own overblown sense of gentlemanly conduct had gotten him in hot water enough times.

It was the suggestion of wanting Rosemary's bed that set Jimmy off. And if Kid had just been off base, maybe Jimmy could have shrugged it off. Or maybe if Jimmy was free to explain how wrong Kid was and why…but he wasn't. Jimmy had love waiting for him at home. Jimmy knew who he wanted in his bed. But Jimmy could not tell Kid about the love that had filled his soul…made him more the man he wished to be. He couldn't and it was more the fact that he couldn't than anything else that led to their fight.

This fight was different. He had just punched that love. He had punched him as hard as he could and he expected to feel better for it. He was angrier than he had been but there was an emptiness at hitting Cody. He'd punched Cody before. They had always scrapped but since they had realized their love for one another, no matter how angry they might get, they didn't lay hands on one another in anger. Jimmy now felt all the revulsion of seeing a woman hit. Cody was no woman and if someone else had been in the fight with him, he would have just jumped to his defense. But he had hit the one he loved more than his own life. Many might claim that wasn't saying much but they would be the ones who didn't know him well enough.

He now stood before this man he loved with tears running down his face and didn't even try to defend against the onslaught of punches. Cody quickly realized there was no more resistance and stopped hitting. They looked at each other and neither felt good at all about what happened.

Hitting Kid had felt good. Fighting Kid had felt good. It had been like he could punch the face of everything in the world that kept him from being with the man he loved. It wasn't Kid's fault but still, Kid was the one Jimmy most feared finding out. It hadn't been comfortable when Teaspoon had found out about them but the man had handled things admirably. Neither Jimmy nor Will wanted to think what it might be like if any of the others found out about them. Hell, if it had been only a few months earlier, the two of them wouldn't have been any better. They had even repulsed themselves at the start.

Hitting Cody—his Will—did not feel good. He was so mad and thought for sure it would make him feel better. The only thing it did is make him feel worse and he was feeling bad enough to begin with.

He'd been away and he hated being away. At first he had found it easier to be the one leaving if he knew Will was at home safe and sound. But then they'd had it out one day and Jimmy had seen how the worry hurt Will and now he hated leaving. He hated nearly everything right now. He hated the telegraph lines that meant the end of the Pony Express. It might be hard for them to find time to be together but the uncertainty of what would become of them once they were no longer employees of Russell, Majors and Waddell scared him half to death. He hated the war that drove more wedges between all of them. He and Will even fought about that. They both had seen their fathers fall for the abolitionist cause. But Will saw his father as a hero while Jimmy saw his as a man with his priorities completely upside down. He agreed in principle but rejected the 'cause above everything' philosophy his father bought into.

In the midst of all the hating, the one bright spot had been the loving. It wasn't just about the times they would sneak off together to kiss or hold each other or make love. It was the look they could share before the light went out at night, the look that said that they loved each other. It was the one thing either of them had to hold onto in these rapidly shifting times.

Every delay Jimmy had in getting home made him angrier. He played a bit at being angry that Kid might miss his wedding but it wasn't that. If Kid went home then he could tell everyone that Jimmy was alright. Otherwise Will would worry. And as long as he was thinking about it, Kid and Lou getting married was one more thing making him mad and hateful.

Kid asked him if he ever thought about getting married and he'd played it off saying he couldn't see someone wanting to spend their life with him. That was a lie. There was one person who would gladly spend every day by his side. But marriage was man and wife, wasn't it? What did that leave for a man whose one true love was another man?

So punching Kid felt good even though Kid wouldn't ever truly know why he'd gotten hit. He'd forever think he'd gotten too close to the truth about Jimmy's feelings for Rosemary. In reality, he'd gotten punched for being too far from the truth.

But none of that explained why he had hauled off and hit Will. Coming home meant finding out that the man he loved had signed up as a scout for the army. Will hadn't mentioned it before at all and Jimmy had been completely blindsided by the news. They'd never talked about what would happen when it was time to move on but Jimmy had thought they would at least talk and possibly that they would find a way to still be in the same place. Maybe even have a business of some sort together. No one would think anything of two old confirmed bachelors owning a ranch or something together and then they could have whatever time to themselves they wanted. It was a dream, he knew. Men still came looking for the legend he never wanted to be and Will was destined to be a legend of another sort. Jimmy didn't know what sort but Will was meant for great things and holding him forever was selfish. Maybe that was why he hadn't tried to talk to Will before. Maybe he was too afraid of the rejection being made official.

He had told Will to meet him and really Jimmy just wanted to talk. But once he saw Will's face, saw that smile that held not a trace of apology, that smug look that said he was damned proud of himself. Jimmy just couldn't stop his fist from trying to wipe that smug smile off of Will's face. He succeeded in that but then it hit him. Just before Will's fist retaliated, Jimmy remembered that he loved Will's smile, that Will's smile was the only thing that made him whole.

Jimmy just stood there. He was already losing everything and now he seemed determined to drive everyone away even faster. It was often his way but it was never what he wanted. He hadn't even realized that Will had stopped punching him until something very different crashed into his mouth. It was Will's lips. They were forceful and angry but at least they were still his.

Jimmy kissed back with everything he had. They were both angry and if their punches hadn't succeeded in bruising or drawing blood, their kisses just might.

Cody had been worried sick the whole time Jimmy and Kid were gone. He knew the two of them together could probably take on nearly anything they might come across. But it was that 'nearly' part that concerned him. He would much rather have been the one with Jimmy. He loved when Teaspoon could arrange for them to ride together. They would sometimes get a room and share the bed, cuddled tight to each other in the darkness. And sometimes they would just make camp and fall asleep gazing at the stars and thinking on a good many 'what ifs'. The biggest one being what if they were truly free to feel what they felt, truly free to walk down a street hand in hand, to kiss each other goodnight wherever they were, to someday live together and not under the guise of being old chums sharing a business or costs. It was all Cody ever wished on when he saw a star fall in the night sky.

When Jimmy came home with his face bruised he'd been sick enough with thoughts of the terrible scrape Jimmy must've gotten in. But when the story came out, that he and Kid had fought over that woman. It nearly killed him. He'd been nervous and near to fearful about telling Jimmy of his decision to join up but once he saw Jimmy with her, he threw it in his face. There was satisfaction in how his news stung.

Jimmy had asked to meet and Cody came willingly. He was feeling bad about the way he told Jimmy and he wanted to explain. And he wanted to see if Jimmy had an explanation of his own. Maybe it wasn't what it looked like. Maybe Cody was being jealous for no reason. He walked in smiling and thinking things might be alright after all. Maybe things weren't so badly fractured between them if Jimmy still wanted to meet. But then he walked into the fist and it was more instinct than anything else that he threw a few of his own.

Cody realized quickly that Jimmy wasn't hitting anymore after the first thrown punch and he stopped too. He was angry then. First Jimmy had the audacity to worry him while he was gallivanting around with that bitter looking woman and then he asked to meet him in order to ambush him. The confused and almost apologetic look on Jimmy's face only angered him more. Being sorry didn't make it alright. No matter how mad one might've gotten with the other, they did not hit each other. They just couldn't bring themselves to.

But Jimmy had hit him and then had the gall to look sorry. Cody did the only thing he could. He grabbed Jimmy's head harshly and kissed him hard. He gave a satisfied grunt when Jimmy kissed back just as hard. Then he pulled back sharply when he tasted blood. Looking at Jimmy he could see where it had come from. There was a small cut on Jimmy's lip near the corner of his mouth.

"I'm sorry, baby," Cody whispered running his fingers over the cut and then every other mark on Jimmy's face whether he had caused it or not. "I'm so sorry."

Jimmy shook his head. It was his fault any of it had happened. He just had to let his temper get the best of him. He'd never done that with Will before and it scared him.

"Did I hurt you?" Jimmy asked.

"Nah," Cody answered pulling Jimmy into a tight hug against his chest. "You know you punch like a girl…don't you dare tell Lou I said that."

Jimmy chuckled in spite of himself and then lifted his head and brought his lips almost to touch the other man's ear.

"I don't kiss like one."

"I know, baby," Cody nearly growled at him as he lowered his lips to Jimmy's. Cody's kiss was tender, caring, healing

Jimmy's heart soared as it did every time Will called him baby. When the kiss ended, his eyes were moist and he looked pleadingly at Will.

"You know how much I love you, right?"

Cody's heart broke at the open display of emotion. They had long since broken any and all barriers between them but this was raw and more vulnerable than he had ever seen Jimmy. He planted a soft kiss on Jimmy's forehead and then his lips barely brushed Jimmy's.

"Yeah…as much as I love you."

"I'm sorry," Jimmy whispered, "That ain't how we are…I know that."

"Shh," Cody hushed as he trailed kisses up and down Jimmy's neck. "I don't like when we fight either but you're forgetting the good part of fighting—making up."

It was then that Jimmy felt the hands under his shirt and his own followed suit. He now had Will's shirt open and then off entirely as he kissed across his chest and then lower until he needed to deal with the buttons hiding the only thing on his mind right then. He could feel Will's fingers tighten in his hair letting him know he wasn't the only one who needed this.

Jimmy impatiently unbuttoned Will's pants and wrapped his mouth around the hardened length that was exposed. It wasn't that long ago when he would have been disgusted at the thought of touching another man's erection and now sometimes the only thing that felt right was having it in his mouth. Only Will though…only ever Will. This was an act of love and he couldn't ever fathom doing this without the love he felt. There was pleasure to be derived from bringing pleasure to someone he loved.

Cody's eyes rolled back in his head for the way Jimmy was making him feel. It made its own kind of sense actually that another man would best know how to bring a man pleasure. But Jimmy really was good at this. He would bring him right to the edge and then release him and just run his tongue over Cody's erection, teasing him. It was excruciating and yet he loved every minute of it. And he had the control after all. A word would be all it would take for Jimmy to bring him to his end. A word or the act of grabbing Jimmy's head and not allowing him to release him. At first he hadn't known it was that simple but now he knew and now he just couldn't take it anymore.

"Baby, please," Cody rasped and felt Jimmy take one of his hands in his own and then felt Jimmy's other hand begin stroking the base of his manhood as his mouth continued working him over. Soon he was babbling into a euphoria that no one else had ever been able to bring him to.

Jimmy could still feel Will's body shuddering in the aftermath of the pleasure he had brought. He kissed his way up his lover's body and found Will's mouth. He kissed him gently and then just looked at him as a smile ghosted his face.

"You are beautiful, you know? Are we made up now?"

Cody offered a predatory look and smiled at the involuntary shiver that went through this man he loved so much.

"You sure made up to me," he said slyly, "But I don't think I can make up to you while you're still wearing so much clothes."

Jimmy smiled in understanding and got out of the rest of his garments. Cody looked over Jimmy's body. And felt himself becoming once again aroused. In his current frame of mind he was even able to overlook the scars that littered Jimmy's body. They broke his heart the rest of the time but when they were like this—somewhere free to love each other—they only fueled his need to bring the pleasure, to try to negate every bit of pain Jimmy had ever known.

Cody knew what happened next was up to him just as how he'd been pleasured had been up to Jimmy. It was an unspoken between them. For how frantic they might be when kissing or groping at each other, no one ever did what he didn't want to. They knew it was the same for every couple, or ought to be at any rate. There were times when Jimmy would offer himself up for Cody to enter him and times when his hands or mouth would do the work and that went both ways.

There were times when Cody was just not in the mood to have Jimmy inside him and others when he longed for that feeling.

"Do you have it?" Cody asked in a sultry tone. There was no more need to clarify than that.

"Secret to health," Jimmy replied offering up the loopy grin that melted Cody's heart every time he saw it.

It delighted them to no end that they had found such a use for the item as they were sure it wasn't what Teaspoon was talking about when he rose from the horse trough the first day at Emma's and rubbed it under his arms. Jimmy produced the tin of bear grease and Cody began to roll over to offer himself up. He stopped at the hand on his shoulder.

"I want to see your face," Jimmy said softly and that raw vulnerability was back in his voice. Cody had never seen Jimmy appear so scared. It made him even more determined to cater to whatever the man wanted. Cody lay back down and felt the moisture spring to his eyes as Jimmy gently caressed his face with the barest touch from the tips of his fingers. He was tracing every feature as if memorizing. The look in Jimmy's eyes filled Cody with such longing for things he could even name or even put his finger on. And made him all the more desperate to see the bliss overtake Jimmy's face.

Cody extended his hand and grabbed Jimmy's desire. Stroking up and down the velvety skin covering the hardness he could see Jimmy's eyelids half close from how good it felt. Cody knew that's all it would take to bring Jimmy back to him and soon he felt fingers pushing into him preparing the way.

Jimmy looped Will's legs over his shoulders and began to push into him. He had his reasons for wanting Will in this position. It was true he loved watching his lover's face contort with the pleasure of their bodies merging and seeing the expressions let him know if he was hitting the right spots. He also knew that the first time they had done this he had caused Will some pain. He never wanted to do that again and if he could watch Will's face he knew he never would.

This time though was different. He somehow knew this would be the last time they would be like this for a long time and maybe even forever. He had to have something more to remember than the back of Will's head.

He slowly entered watching every expression pass over Will's face. How his crystal blue eyes would cloud with lust as his eyelids nearly closed. They way he would suck his lips into his mouth biting slightly and then release them perfect and pink and kissable. His brow furrowing as he felt the tension built in his gut as storm waters beating at a dam. It was all beautiful and perfect and fleeting.

In time, Jimmy's urges took over and they were soon spent and panting in each other's arms covered in a glossy sheen of sweat. They stayed that way for a while—neither of them knew exactly how long. It seemed like forever and then at the same time wasn't nearly long enough.

"I reckon we ought to talk," Cody said tentatively.

"I don't want to now," Jimmy answered, "I don't want to go back. I don't want to leave this spot. I don't want to let go of you."

"Hey, hey," Cody said sounding concerned but trying for comforting and even kindly chastising, "What kind of talk is that?"

"You're leaving me," Jimmy choked out. He wasn't crying exactly but he wasn't far off from it. "I always knew you would. I did. I just ain't ready to let you go."

"I ain't leaving you."

"Yeah you are. You joined the army, didn't you?"

"That's only for a while," Cody said stroking Jimmy's hair and feeling the ragged breath on his chest. "The war won't last that long. Folks are saying only a few months. I'm just a scout. I'll be back. I'll find you."

"You got something bigger out there waiting for you," Jimmy argued, "Something better for you than what I can give. I was stupid to think you could be mine."

"I am yours. I'll always be yours."

Jimmy shook his head.

"No you aren't…not to keep."

"Is that why you brought that woman back with you? So you won't have to be alone."

"Will…Rosemary ain't nothing to me. She's got some information that might keep my sister safe. If something could hurt Julia you'd do all you could to help her. I know you would."

"Does that include flirting with that pouty woman?"

"Wait," Jimmy said sitting up, "You're jealous. You think…Will, I ain't taken notice of nobody, man or woman since we figured out what we had between us. Hell even before then…I tried but once we kissed on Valentine's Day, I couldn't really think of anyone but you. I don't care nothing about her. I feel bad for her and all. She lost her boy a while back and now her husband. I understand her hurt like I couldn't before. I know how I'd feel if anything ever happened to you. And I know how it hurts to know I'm losing you."

"I told you, you ain't losing me, baby."

"I know you don't see it. You always try to see the good, the positive, the dream coming true. It's one of the things I love about you. But you need to be real. You're going in the army. You can't love me there. It's worse than here. You want the public eye…the spotlight. You deserve those things, Will. Everyone should know your name. Everyone should see what you have to offer the world. But you can't love me and have all that. You'll have to marry or folks'll talk and the things they'll say won't be nice. Those things will limit you in ways you never ought to be limited. Someday I expect I might even have to try to settle down but I might not even get the chance. It don't matter though. You can't let me stop you from being all you're supposed to be."

"You make me all I'm supposed to be," Cody pleaded and he suddenly understood Jimmy's fears and he held them too. "I can't be nothing without the way you love me. You're just all full of all that's going on. That woman, Kid and Lou getting hitched…it's a lot to take in all to once."

Jimmy gave Cody one last plaintive look.

"You begged me once not to make you go on without me," he said as he hastily dressed. "But it was me…don't you see it? It was always me who couldn't bear to live without you. And I knew I'd have to all the same. Somehow deep down, I knew it."

Jimmy stepped forward and tenderly placed a hand on Cody's cheek and kissed him. It was a long and lingering kiss. He mapped and explored every bit of Cody's mouth as if he knew, just knew that they'd never share such a thing again. The kiss ended and with one more sad look, Jimmy was gone.

* * *

"I got to go soon," Cody said startling Jimmy from his thoughts. "We're moving out. Guess all the damage was done that could be here."

Jimmy nodded.

"How's the arm?" he asked absently. It had felt good to ride alongside Cody that one last time. It felt good to be working toward a common goal again. It had probably felt best that Cody was the one to rid the world of Pearson. As much as Jimmy usually felt things like that should fall to him, that his soul was already tarnished and couldn't be made much worse…he knew Cody needed it more than any of them. Noah had died in Cody's arms after all. But seeing Cody shot. He understood. Every time Cody got angry with him for letting himself be in danger. Every time he dodged bullets and especially the times when he couldn't dodge them all…he understood. Time stopped and he wanted to jump down from the wagon and see to Cody.

He couldn't before and now he really couldn't because Cody wasn't his anymore. He'd dreaded this time and it had come.

"It's alright," Cody said just as absently. When he held Noah's lifeless body in his arms, he thought nothing could hurt so bad. But then he realized Jimmy was right. It was over between them. That was a blow he thought might kill him where he stood. Jimmy was with her now. He had even seen him kiss her. He knew Jimmy's heart wasn't in it. He knew someday he'd marry and wondered if he could find a woman he could at least make a convincing show of kissing.

"Can you really do it?" Cody asked after another moment of silence between them. "Can you really be with her?"

Jimmy shrugged.

"Ain't no neutral in this thing. Figure this is the closest to continuing my father's work. Ain't saying I got all the answers but Rosemary and I know about loss and we know about this fight. Maybe we can keep all that loss from being in vain. I don't know."

"You know…the only thing I ever wanted to do was love you…"

"That ain't true," Jimmy smiled at him, "You wanted lots of stuff. I'm just the thing you wanted that you can't ever have…the rest is yours for the taking."

"I had you for a while though, didn't I?"

"You know you did, Will. When it comes to it, you still have me…ain't no way I could love anyone else."

"If only…"

"Yeah, I know. I wish it too. I'll wish it 'til I'm in the ground but wishing and wanting don't change nothing."

"I really don't want to say goodbye to you, Jimmy."

"Aw, I figure even as stupid as we both are that we'll probably live to see each other again sometime. I hope to God so at any rate. How 'bout we just say…'til then."

"Yeah…'til then."

* * *

**As I have said before, there is a whole series of Wild Bills stories planned. This was always to be the next one in the series. I need to thank the incomparable Marcus Mumford for his words. The song quoted at the beginning was largely the inspiration. It's worth a listen. Of course I just recommend getting both Mumford albums and listening to them nonstop for a while. They are that good. Mostly I needed a break from Shotgun Wedding and knew a one shot would do it. I don't do fluffy for the most part but a break is a break.**

**To those who do not like the Bills...it's just something you'll have to deal with. To the rest of you...thank you for supporting them. I know it is sad when we know they can never truly be together. Stolen moments and secret feelings...always masking what they are to each other...I wish it was different. But it's not. Heck some people still today find it defensible to beat someone to death for being gay...1861 was far worse. In every love story there are obstacles and not every love can overcome them. Sad but true. Still this story really hurt to write. I think once we get through the planned Bills stories and I get to the very last story I have planned, there will be some satisfaction to be had.**

**But again...I thank you for the support of those of you who see the beauty of their love. I know Jimmy and Cody appreciate it too.-J**


End file.
